Antisocial?

Someone described me today as antisocial, which I guess I will admit to. I never used to be I used to love partying with a huge group of people and the chaos and stuff. But since I've made this big life change I've started spending more time on what's hidden under the surface, why I act and do the things I do, and now it's created an anxiety around other people. Insecurities arise about what I'm talking about and look like and talking too much and being fun and honestly it's exhausting!
There is a group of friends I am very close with that I feel like I am being alienated from. I don't know if it's because I'm awkward to be around or I've done something to offend someone. I just want them to realize that interacting with people has become something I've had to relearn how to do. I've lost all my confidence and spark. It's like I'm creating a new person and it's extremely scary. I don't want this new me to be a failure like the old one. It gets extremely frustrating. But I would like to be a social butterfly again. I love my friends and I would really like to get closer to them. I feel a distance between us. I just want to know if it is my fault or just the world changeing. If it is, the world that is, then I'm sorry for letting that happen.
I guess I don't know how to be around other people when I'm probably at my most confidence low.
I just feel such block between us now and I'm not sure how to fix it.

a year

in one month I will be 23 and a year older. This has been a particularly interesting year of my life. I rode an elephant at the circus, I made my soul sister very happy and saw one of the best games of bowling in my life (I love you Courtney Curtis honorary Stetson!!!) got my amazing turtle Frankie, saw my sister's heartbreak and move home from Indiana, had a heartbreak of my own, still not sure how a man with a child can have commitment issues but there ya go. I got a degree in phlebotomy, even though it's impossible to get a job I still think I've accomplished something, modeled more than I have in any other year. Got my tattoo's. Got arrested. My sister got pregnate, congrats to Kim and Derek! Throughout it all I feel like a completely different person. Looking back over this last year and being 22, everything I did and went wrong. I understand life a little more and I think I'm more focused on what is important now more than ever. I still miss a lot of things from my old life. My old friends from before I fell to the dark side, I miss them. I often wonder how I ended up in this place and I guess I just followed my feet. Not much thinking went into my life until now. I think being 23 will be an intersting year. My entire future is going to be decided. I will start my future. Maybe I'll find forgiveness somewhere down this road. Anyway, I'm going to try and spend my birthday with laughter instead of tears. I'm going to make this birthday month a positive one. I guess the one thing I'm excited for is to get this year over with. Out with the bad and in with the new! Facing my troubles and problems and fixing things I haven't dealt with in years. It's gonna be one hell of a year.

My life is awsome!

Why My Life is Super Awesome.
I have the best niece and nephew ever.



Elise McKenzie 3, and Cameron Evan 2
They inspire so much in me, last night I was super stressed out, and then I realized that my life is super awesome right now, so I made a list of all that awesomeness. I’m going to share some of that list with you.


-I know some of the coolest people ever created. Not only that, but I’m friends with them.


-I love my job. Im a barista at Harmons and i love it.


-I have a beautiful turtle named Frankie whom i love and adore. He and i have the most interesting conversations....


isn't he cute!

-I am a Pirate Lord Captain of Hearts.

-I am obsessed with natural healing.

- I have a family that I actually enjoy hanging out with. Usually. I'd say about 92% of the time. That's a pretty good statistic, if you ask me. I pretty much tell my mom and sister Kelley everything.

-I graduated with my Phlebotomist certification from the DATC. I am planning on attending the Utah School of Massage Therapy.

-I am a model.


-i love to be enviromentally active.


-i can sing and i love to do it!


-Speaking of music it is my life and true love.

-I have 3 tattoos. soon to be 5.

-My favorite show now is weeds.

-I love to get connected to the earth.

-I'm single and happy thank you very much.

-I can blow fire.

-I'm always late. like 75% of the time. It's a curse.

-I have some amazing and wonderful super friends.

And there you go. My life is so awesome, I know you can hardly stand it. Be jealous.
Or even better, come up with a 'My Life is Awesome' list of your own! And then you can share it with me, and we can both bask in the glory of our fabulous lives :)

I guess I should talk about me.....

How do you start when so much time has passed? I'll go in order of what comes to mind, not importance. First, I'm an auntie again!!! Bently Elmer White was born on 4/4/11, awsome birthday!! He was 8lbs 1-2ounces and 21 inches long. I think it was a total of like 20 hour labor. Go Kayla!!! For her first child too!!! I love watching them be parents. :) I think Kayla was born to be a mother. He is absolutely perfect. So cute and just a blessing. The funniest part was when they had to explain to the doctors and nurses that they were actually married and had been for 2 years! The hospital just like assumed they were boyfriend and girlfriend. I died laughing.
I also graduated! I am now a certified phlebotomist and not really doing anything with it. I have an amazing job at Harmon's as a barista that pays me well so I'm content with where I am, but it was nice to feel like I accomplished something.
I'm 36 days clean. I'm very proud of myself for reaching that. I did it and I did it alone. Well, I had my family but after replapsing I lost that privilage, and I am not very good at asking for help when I need it so I didn't have the friends to be able to be what I needed in a "sponser". But my friends were kind of my look forward to. They were the normality I wanted and the peace and kindness I needed. When everyone else rejected me and kicked me to the curb they picked me up and said that everyone makes mistakes but friends were there to pick you up when you can't.
I'm still single. No suprise there. But I'm kinda liking being single. Not that I would choose this but it's simpler. I like being free. I can do anything I want without having to "check" with someone else first. I can take off, hang out with whomever I want, spend my entire paycheck on myself, do whatever the f000 I want with no one holding me back. I've learned how to love myself and to plan my future in the terms of what I want not up in the air cus I don't have a husband. I think even if I did have a boyfriend I'd still think that way. I've found what I want my future to look like. If he wants in then we'll see.
So future? I've got no idea. I like not knowing. Keeps things interesting and on my toes. Peace!

Sober

And I don't know
This could break my heart or save me
Nothing's real
Until you let go completely
So here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me

Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
But I know it's never really over

And I don't know
I could crash and burn but maybe
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me
So I won't worry about my timing, I want to get it right
No comparing, second guessing, no not this time

Three months and I'm still breathing
Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in but I know
It's never really over, no

Three months and I'm still standing here
Three months and I'm getting better yeah
Three months and I still am

Three months and it's still harder now
Three months I've been living here without you now
Three months yeah, three months

Three months and I'm still breathing
Three months and I still remember it
Three months and I wake up

Three months and I'm still sober

Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers

Winner takes it all

I don't wanna talk
About the things we've gone through
Though it's hurting me
Now it's history
I've played all my cards
And that's what you've done too
Nothing more to say
No more ace to play

The winner takes it all
The loser standing small
Beside the victory
That's her destiny

I was in your arms
Thinking I belonged there
I figured it made sense
Building me a fence
Building me a home
Thinking I'd be strong there
But I was a fool
Playing by the rules

The gods may throw a dice
Their minds as cold as ice
And someone way down here
Loses someone dear
The winner takes it all
The loser has to fall
It's simple and it's plain
Why should I complain.

But tell me does she kiss
Like I used to kiss you?
Does it feel the same
When she calls your name?
Somewhere deep inside
You must know I miss you
But what can I say
Rules must be obeyed

The judges will decide
The likes of me abide
Spectators of the show
Always staying low
The game is on again
A lover or a friend
A big thing or a small
The winner takes it all

I don't wanna talk
If it makes you feel sad
And I understand
You've come to shake my hand
I apologize
If it makes you feel bad
Seeing me so tense
No self-confidence
But you see
The winner takes it all
The winner takes it all...

Modeling

I got the chance to participate in the only photography company in Utah to model for them in their blacklight series. It wss amazing I loved it so much! My photographer was Brady Tracy. This is one of my photos.
I love it! They drew on a bunch of Viking symbols and then painted to see them in blackout paint and shone a blacklight on me. It was amazing!