Step 1: Honesty

Admit that you, of yourself, are powerless to overcome you addictions and that your life has become unmanageable.

I fully admit this. My addictions has placed me into debt, I've lost my job, my friends, my hobbies, and some of my mind. I don't have a lot of choices when it comes to the future but this is one of them. To keep going. In keeping with the steps I have become honest about my addiction to myself and to those around me. I often feel encompassed or trapped in situations or in life in general. Being alone and single with friends. No one to talk to before I go to bed at night. Loneliness being a huge factor in why I began in the first place.
Placing trust in the Lord is a big issue for me, I haven't always in the past and have failed. I know the only path to suceed is by faith. But I don't have a lot of faith. I literally watched someone die from this disease and it kinda placed a huge dent into my faith.

when I close my eyes and drift away....

have you ever skipped time? like time just stops for a minute and then you wake up and it's 2 years later.... I've just experienced it. I don't know if I should keep going like the past 2 years haven't happened? Or do I play catchup and try to get up to date? I wish Justin was here. He'd know exactly what to say and what to do...

Staying out of it

Everyone has problems right? So what happens to these problems when it comes to your friends? Do you share everything and talk it all out and when updates come you tell the other people and just share share share? Or do you stay out of it. I am in a situation where I see a problem that two people are just not handling. My personal opinion is to do whatever you can to make other people happy. But in doing this I am putting my head somewhere it doesn't belong and that does NOOONE any good. So I stay out of it. In the process I am going silently insane from these people's stupidity. A friend suggested everyone is lying and it's kind of a good and bad advice. In truth everyone involved is lying to someone. Either to themselves, the other person, me, and the world is up to them. But how do I, being a recovering lieaholic, just accept all this bull shit? I just want to stay out of it and laugh at the situation without becoming a bitch and cynic and that's how I'm ending up. I have too many problems of my own to become involved in this. But let me just say if I say something and someone takes it the wrong way. Remember I'm still grieving. Every day hurts when I don't wake up with Justin next to me and sometimes those days get bad. But I'm trying so we'll see.

New Hair

Ok I'm having a debate on whether I should grow my hair out or still keep it short. So please vote!!!

Clue Mystery Dinner

So my friend Bryan decided to throw a date night murder mystery dinner for us and our friends for his brother Matthew and his girlfriend. It was so much fun! I was Mrs. Peacock and my date, Brian Talbot, was Admiral Navy my husband. Bryan and his date were Col. and Mrs. Mustard. Brittanie Jordan and Shaun Boulter were Mr. and Mrs. White. Bret Michaelsen and Jackie Schaffe were Rhett and Vivian Scarlett. Nate Payne and Tylene Baker were Prof. Plum and Miss. Peach. and Matt and Heather were Mr. and Mrs. Green. It was awsome! It turned out that Mrs. Mustard was the murderer and she framed it on her husband!

All of us in costume:

The bloodthirsty men:

The Murderous Women:

Mr. and Mrs. White:

Rhett and Vivian Scarlett:

Admiral Navy and Mrs. Peacock:

Colonel and Mrs. Mustard:

Prof Plum and Georgiana Peach:

Mr and Mrs Green:

ouch

So I have been fine health wise for quite some time. But yesterday morning I woke up and was vomiting profusely. I could not stop sweating or vomiting. I didn't have a fever but it wouldn't stop. Plus I was in a lot of pain. So my Dad took me to the hospital and they took my blood count and my white cells were at a 21! Mind you 10 is high. So they told me to head straight to the er by appendix is going to burst. So we go to the er and I have my appendix removed. I just got home today and I feel ok but really sore and hurt and in shock! I was totally fine the night before! Weirdness? Yes.

Coming home

So today I have cleared all grievences, I hope, with my old friends and I think things are now open with them. I feel like a giant weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I hope that they can forgive me for what I have done to them and that I can become who I want to be. The happy person that I am and that they will see it and love me again. I have been lost for so long I finally feel like I am whole again. I don't have to change myself for anyone. I have friends again and a boyfriend who suprises me every single day with how amazing he is. It's funny because even though today is James's birthday I still feel like I recieved the best present in the world. One of my gifts that I gave him was I sang him our song "At Last" afterwards with tears in his eyes he told me he "was in love with an angel, I don't know how you can be real but you are and I must be the luckiest man in the world" I feel healthy and happy and I haven't been like this in a really long time and I must contribute a HUGE part of this to the fact that my old friends have accepted me. I'm mentally healthy. My best friend Kayla still loves me even though she cheated on me and got married. My family is all home and happy. My boyfriend doesn't abuse me. And I just got a new biography and it looks really good. I must be pretty damn lucky.