Stage 1

So I went to the hospital today to get my cervix frozen. It went really well but excruciatingly painful. It was miserable and now I have horrible cramps, but I get checked again in a month or two and hopefully (fingers crossed) this will have killed it off!!!! Thank you everyone for supporting me!

Makes me that much stronger

So, about a month ago I went to my gyno to have my womanly check up and get told that I have some irregularities and that I have contracted HPV. Now instead of feeling really like sad instead I get super pissed off because I paid to get the Guardasil shot and it's super expensive and I got the damn disease anyway! But I decide it's ok and everything's fine and ask my doc what to do. She tells me that we need to do a special procedure involving opening me wide and shovint a microscope up my cough cough and taking samples to see how far along the disease is. After this horrible experience I have to wait and wait and wait until I get my test results back. Cervical cancer. The big C. There is not much news after that that compares to how it feels to be told you have the number one killer in America. Cancer. I'm going to the doc on Wed and having the cancerous cells frozen and then I guess we'll see what happens. But I'm super scared. I feel really alone on this. Luckilly I have Justin who loves me and says he'll be right here holding my hand through the whole thing. It's terrifying and weird and awful but I think I'll be alright. Justin and I always wanted to adopt anyway. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger and all that jazz. I'm going to make it through this. I don't care how much it takes but I'll make it through somehow.

To my friends...

Let's pretend we're riding on a kite.
Let's imagine we're flying through the air!
We'll ascend until we're out of sight.
Light as paper, we'll soar!
Let's be wild, up high above the sand, feel the wind, the world at our command.
Let's enjoy the view, and never land.
Floating far from the shore.
Some things are meant to be, the clouds moving fast and free.
The sun on a silver sea.
A sky that's bright and blue.
And some things will never end.
The thrill of our magic ride.
The love that I feel inside for you.
We'll climb high beyond the break of day.
Sleep on stardust, and dine on bits of moon
You and I will find the Milky Way.
We'll be mad, and explore.
We'll recline a loft upon the breeze.
Dart about sail on wit with ease.
Pass the days doing only as we please, that's what living is for.
Some things are meant to be, the tide turning endlessly,
the way it takes hold of me, no matter what I do,
and some things will never die, the promise of who you are,
the memories when I am far from you.

............."Some Things Are Meant To Be" from the broad way musical Little Women

I love you guys!

My soulmate

My soulmate's name is Justin Daniel Larsen. He is everything to me. We mean everything to each other. I have loved before but I never have been in love until I met Justin. Love isn't about roses and fancy restraunts and gifts and passionate kisses. It's when you know deep in your heart and soul that you have met the one person who makes you complete. The yin and yang. To the point where I don't know where I end and he begins. Today we danced to our song so I decided to share it with you...

I can only give you love that lasts forever
And a promise to be near each time you call,
And the only heart I own
For you and you alone,
That's all, that's all.
I can only give you country walks in springtime
And a hand to hold when leaves begin to fall,
And a love whose burning light
Will warm the winter night,
That's all, that's all.
There are those,
I am sure, that have told you
They would give you the world for a toy.
All I have are these arms to enfold you
And a love time can never destroy
If you're wondering what I'm asking in return, dear,
You'll be glad to know that my demands are small.
Say it's me that you'll adore
For now and ever more,
That's all, that's all.

Journal writing yay or nay?

So I've been trying to keep a journal and so far it just sounds like an annoying teenager. So what is your opinion? Help me all ye journalists out there!

Music Quiz

Fun little music player game!!
Ok I found this little thing going around facebook and I did it and I thought it was funny so I'm posting it here! If any of you have music players give it a try it's pretty fun!!Anyway...here's the rules:
1. Put your iTunes on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
4. Tag 10 friends who might enjoy doing the meme as well as the person you got the meme from.
IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
Winter Wonderland
WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Behind These Hazel Eyes
WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A BOY?
Bleeding Love
HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
River Jordan
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Harbor
WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Every Story is a Love Story
WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Deep Down and Dirty
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Jenny From The Block
WHAT IS 2+2?
No Good Deed
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Don't Get Around Much Anymore
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Always a Bridesmaid Never A Bride
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Clouds
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
For No One
WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Do You Hear The People Sing?
WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Unknown
WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Hand In My Pocket
WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
What I've Done
WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
When You Look Me In The Eyes
WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET
Broken Vow
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Ain't I A Woman?
WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
The Tower of Learning
HOW WILL YOU DIE?
Wouldn't It Be Nice
WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
Miracle
WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
Strangelove Addiction
WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
If You Leave
WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
Forever May Not Be Long Enough
DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
Sweet Emotion
IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
It's Hard To Say
WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
Father How Long?
WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Over and Over

I need a friend

My last blog was pretty harsh. I deleted it. I just needed a good rant. I have a friend who she and I would like just unload and yell at each other and it would keep us sane. Everyone needs a yelling moment. I miss y'all. Call me for a good rant. This song I just listened to and started crying it fits my mood right now. Here are the lyrics.

"I'm Still Here"
I am a question to the world,
Not an answer to be heard.
All a moment that's held in your arms.
And what do you think you'd ever say?
I won't listen anyway…
You don't know me
And I’ll never be what you want me to be.
And what do you think you'd understand?
You can take me and throw me away.
And how can you learn what's never shown?
Yeah, you stand here on your own.
They don't know me 'cause I'm not here.
And I want a moment to be real,
Wanna touch things I don't feel,
Wanna hold on and feel I belong.
And how can the world want me to change,
They’re the ones that stay the same.
The don’t know me,
'Cause I’m not here.
And you see the things they never see
All you wanted, I could be
Now you know me, and I'm not afraid
And I wanna tell you who I am
Can you help me be a man?
They can't break me
As long as I know who I am
And I want a moment to be real,
Wanna touch things I don't feel,
Wanna hold on and feel I belong.
And how can the world want me to change,
They’re the ones that stay the same.
They can’t see me,
But I’m still here.
They can’t tell me who to be,
‘Cause I’m not what they see.
And the world is still sleepin’,
While I keep on dreamin’ for me.
And their words are just whispers
And lies that I’ll never believe.
And I want a moment to be real,
Wanna touch things I don't feel,
Wanna hold on and feel I belong.
And how can they say I never change
They’re the ones that stay the same.
I’m the one now,
‘Cause I’m still here.
I’m the one,
‘Cause I’m still here.
I’m still here.
I’m still here.
I’m still here.

Cameron Evan Williams

My nephew little Cameron was born on Nov 3, 2008. He was 2 months early. 5 lbs 1 ounce and 19 inches long! Thankfully both mom and Cam are doing good. He is totally healthy except when he breathes he makes this cute mewing sound. :) Meanwhile I am babysitting Elise for a while until baby brother gets to come home. I am so happy to be an aunt!!!

House Sitting

So my friend Roach and her family were going to a wedding in Arizona for a few days and Justin and I house sat for her and took care of her dogs Quincey and Sophie. Thursday we got all settled and went out for dinner, took the dogs for a walk and just kinda was us and stuff. Until about midnight when we got into a huge drag out awful awful fight. On the first day of our vacation. It sucked. I ran into the bedroom crying and stayed there until he came in and apologized and we talked everything out and it all was ok again. I HATE fighting! But it turned out ok and he held me until I fell asleep and it was all good. Friday I wake up to find him and Sophie cuddling on the couch:

It was so cute! I made breakfast and we spent the day watching a Star Wars marathon. LOL yes we are nerds but a couple of cute ones at that. Saturday was Merric's birthday party so we spent it at his place partying until I got so tired Justin had to carry me home. Sunday was our last day together and we slept late and watched tv and cuddled and just was pure blissful until about 4 am when I had to go home. All in all it was a super fun mini vacation and I'm super super glad I have such a wonderful boyfriend!!!!!!!

I don't wanna grow up

Today I am going to another interview. I hate working. I love it because it is a distraction, but a terrible one at that. But I need a job with a capital N. Any job. I just need money. Income. Isn't it sad that people don't get jobs to have fun or to help people. They get them to get money. Money money money. A useless commodity. Or you must do something that makes money. For example I really want to be a massuse. However you don't make a lot of money doing that so I am going to school to be a pharmacy tech. I hear stories of people who move places and just start over. They have nothing and go there and make something. I would love to do that but I am really not that brave. I am watching the movie Closer and it's super super interesting. I recomend it to everyone.

Sanctuary and a friend

So I am sitting in my room on my lovely Diego2 and watching a terrible horror movie. The Grudge 2. It is miserable and droll so do choose something else to watch. Sigh. I notice that my room very much describes me. In front of me is my successes. It has the posters of my shows, my hero Audrey Hepburn, my wardrobe, and my treadmill. All things I have mastered. To the left is my jewelry and a giant whiteboard schedule. Oh how rediculous. Also is a picture of me and Justin. It makes me smile every time I see it. Behind me is a window and my dresser which is covered in random stuff and of course Dr Pepper. To the left my great movie collection and tv and closet. It's very random and covered like me. But I think the most important thing is that it's all superficial. Just things. Stuff. If I ever had to run out of the house and only take one thing it would be pants. People put too much stock into material goods like clothes and purfume and jewelry and nonsense. When Justin was kicked out of his house at 15 he had to sleep in a park for 2 months. Hearing his stories makes me appreciate more my own self, him, friends, family and the stuff that matters. I recently read a blog written by my friend Alyssa about her new life out East. It was nice to read and hear that she is well but also sad because I miss her. I didn't take advantage of being good friends with her while I could. You never fully love someone until you spend some time without them. Her and I have had a roller coaster of a friendship. From crying on each other's shoulders, to laughing till our cheeks hurt, to hating each other's entire beings. Looking back now I see how silly it was to hate. I feel bad because I don't have the guts to tell people what I really think of them. I'd love to sit down with Alyssa and have another one of our blunt conversations and tell her how much I really do love and care aboout her and that boys are frogs until you find your prince and princesses are stupid. We'll be smart peasents together! LOL I admire her a lot. She is pretty much everything I wish I was. Maybe I'll read some more of her blogs and find her courage and strength. For now I'm going back to this movie and texting Justin hoping that he will say something to make me laugh. I hate horror films!

Who am I?

My name is Jennifer. I am almost 20 yrs old but I feel about 30. I'm a Sagittarius through and through. I love strawberry daquiri's, my boyfriend Justin, and getting caught in the rain. I guess I started this blogspot to write down my thoughts as I see them. I'm always looking for a new creative edge. I'm a singer and a talented one at that. My range is from a low A to two C's above middle. I love the movies, acting, music, fashion, and modeling. I am also a manic depressive prone to anxiety attacks and sleeping disorders. I'm hypothyroidic and have massive ulcers. But you couldn't guess it just by looking at me. I have two faces. Dr. Jen and Ms. Hyde. I suppose I should send out a message to my readers. I have no means to offend, I am simply stating the facts as I see them. Through my eyes. Then again what does it matter?