Staying out of it

Everyone has problems right? So what happens to these problems when it comes to your friends? Do you share everything and talk it all out and when updates come you tell the other people and just share share share? Or do you stay out of it. I am in a situation where I see a problem that two people are just not handling. My personal opinion is to do whatever you can to make other people happy. But in doing this I am putting my head somewhere it doesn't belong and that does NOOONE any good. So I stay out of it. In the process I am going silently insane from these people's stupidity. A friend suggested everyone is lying and it's kind of a good and bad advice. In truth everyone involved is lying to someone. Either to themselves, the other person, me, and the world is up to them. But how do I, being a recovering lieaholic, just accept all this bull shit? I just want to stay out of it and laugh at the situation without becoming a bitch and cynic and that's how I'm ending up. I have too many problems of my own to become involved in this. But let me just say if I say something and someone takes it the wrong way. Remember I'm still grieving. Every day hurts when I don't wake up with Justin next to me and sometimes those days get bad. But I'm trying so we'll see.

New Hair

Ok I'm having a debate on whether I should grow my hair out or still keep it short. So please vote!!!

Clue Mystery Dinner

So my friend Bryan decided to throw a date night murder mystery dinner for us and our friends for his brother Matthew and his girlfriend. It was so much fun! I was Mrs. Peacock and my date, Brian Talbot, was Admiral Navy my husband. Bryan and his date were Col. and Mrs. Mustard. Brittanie Jordan and Shaun Boulter were Mr. and Mrs. White. Bret Michaelsen and Jackie Schaffe were Rhett and Vivian Scarlett. Nate Payne and Tylene Baker were Prof. Plum and Miss. Peach. and Matt and Heather were Mr. and Mrs. Green. It was awsome! It turned out that Mrs. Mustard was the murderer and she framed it on her husband!

All of us in costume:

The bloodthirsty men:

The Murderous Women:

Mr. and Mrs. White:

Rhett and Vivian Scarlett:

Admiral Navy and Mrs. Peacock:

Colonel and Mrs. Mustard:

Prof Plum and Georgiana Peach:

Mr and Mrs Green:

ouch

So I have been fine health wise for quite some time. But yesterday morning I woke up and was vomiting profusely. I could not stop sweating or vomiting. I didn't have a fever but it wouldn't stop. Plus I was in a lot of pain. So my Dad took me to the hospital and they took my blood count and my white cells were at a 21! Mind you 10 is high. So they told me to head straight to the er by appendix is going to burst. So we go to the er and I have my appendix removed. I just got home today and I feel ok but really sore and hurt and in shock! I was totally fine the night before! Weirdness? Yes.

Coming home

So today I have cleared all grievences, I hope, with my old friends and I think things are now open with them. I feel like a giant weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I hope that they can forgive me for what I have done to them and that I can become who I want to be. The happy person that I am and that they will see it and love me again. I have been lost for so long I finally feel like I am whole again. I don't have to change myself for anyone. I have friends again and a boyfriend who suprises me every single day with how amazing he is. It's funny because even though today is James's birthday I still feel like I recieved the best present in the world. One of my gifts that I gave him was I sang him our song "At Last" afterwards with tears in his eyes he told me he "was in love with an angel, I don't know how you can be real but you are and I must be the luckiest man in the world" I feel healthy and happy and I haven't been like this in a really long time and I must contribute a HUGE part of this to the fact that my old friends have accepted me. I'm mentally healthy. My best friend Kayla still loves me even though she cheated on me and got married. My family is all home and happy. My boyfriend doesn't abuse me. And I just got a new biography and it looks really good. I must be pretty damn lucky.

Duality... I found out the hard way

So my marriage annullment to Justin has been finalized and he's going to prison. So I should be happy right? Sadly I'm confused and very very lonely. For some reason I blame myself for what he did. I know it's wrong and I shouldn't but I can't help but feel responsible.
To update y'all on my cancer it has grown... the proceedure did not work and I go see a specialist on the 26th so we'll see what happens!
Well the only thing that helps right now is listening to one of my favorite bands Slipknot so here is my favorite song by them Duality it describes what I feel.
I push my fingers into my eyes...
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache...
But it's made of all the things I have to take...
Jesus, it never ends, it works it's way inside...
If the pain goes on...
I have screamed until my veins collapsed
I've waited as my time's elapsed
Now, all I do is live with so much hate
I've wished for this, I've bitched at that
I've left behind this little fact:
You cannot kill what you did not create
I've gotta say what I've gotta say
And then I swear I'll go away
But I can't promise you'll enjoy the noise
I guess I'll save the best for last
My future seems like one big past
You're left with me 'cause you left me no choice
I push my fingers into my eyes
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache
If the pain goes on,I'm not gonna make it!
Put me back together
Or separate the skin from bone
Leave me all the Pieces, then you can leave me alone
Tell me the reality is better than the dream
But I found out the hard way,
Nothing is what it seems!
I push my fingers into my eyes
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache
But it's made of all the things I have to take
Jesus, it never ends, it works it's way inside
If the pain goes on,I'm not gonna make it!
All I've got...all I've got is insane...
All I've got...all I've got is insane...
All I've got...all I've got is insane!
All I've got...all I've got is insane!
I push my fingers into my eyes
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache
But it's made of all the things I have to take
Jesus, it never ends, it works it's way inside
If the pain goes on,I'm not gonna make it!

Hookah party!!!

So yesterday I went to my friend Sheila's house and smoked hookah! Which is a nicotine and drug free smoke so don't get the wrong idea. It's just flavored fun! You wouldn't think it would be but it is. I want one now!!!! I'm like the caterpillar from Alice in Wonderland.

I'm A Christian

I'M A CHRISTIAN
By Maya Angelou
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin."
I'm whispering "I was lost,"
Now I'm found and forgiven.
When I say...
"I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
and need CHRIST to be my guide.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak
and need HIS strength to carry on.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
and need God to clean my mess.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible
but, God believes I am worth it.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain,
I have my share of heartaches
So I call upon His name.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner
who received God's good grace, somehow

.Author ~Maya Angelou~

The adventures of Jen and Kayla and fog

So once upon a time Jen and Kayla got kinda bored one Friday night and needed to get more wedding stuff. So we go on a great and marvelous adventure to pick up her arch and find some frosted glass candle holders. Which we did and they are super cute! We thence travel to her house to eat some cereal and look at her wedding dress. After fawning over her beautiful dress Kayla started to miss Greg a lot so we decided to surprise him at his boy scout sleep away camp thingy. We knew where it was but not exactly how to get there so we programmed it into my beautiful iPhone and got directions. Then the fog hit. It was like pea soup crazy slasher movie fog. You could hardly see in front of you. Well we get going and the phone tells us to take an exit which we do and it leads to THE CREEPIEST NEIGHBORHOOD IN HOLIDAY!!!!!! We were frightened for our lives and decided to get back on the freeway and get out of there! Well the fog was so thick I couldn't read the sign saying which way the freeway was going and got us lost going the wrong way on the freeway heading back to the creepy neighborhood! To add to the horrible spookiness my gas light turns on. So I'm thinking great we're going to get stuck with no gas in the fog in horrorville. Luckily we got right on track on the right freeway exit where the fog suddenly stops. It was like a wall. It just stopped and I looked at Kayla and she looked at me and we got super freaked out! But we got to the camp to surprise Greg whose face was absolutely priceless and was super surprised. It made me really happy to see him and Kayla together and it made me miss my Justin all the more. But everything was well and we made it back home safely. No Kiwolves attacked. FYI the picture above is what our adventure in the fog would have been.... it's actually a cardboard cut out for the movie Friday the 13th that we took pictures with.....

Scared

I'm scared all of the time.
I'm scared of my cancer.
I'm scared the proceedure didn't work.
I'm scared I will never have children.
I'm scared to never be a mom.
I'm scared of being alone.
I'm scared of my mind.
I'm scared of never getting my friends back.
I'm scared Justin will never get better.
I'm scared to make the wrong decision.
I'm scared my friends will.
I'm scared of going through loss.
I'm scared I'm not strong.
I'm scared of growing weak.
I'm scared of life.
I feel like I'm jumping out off a cliff into the air. The hardest part is letting go.

Justin gone

Last night I attended a party with my dear Justin where he got black out drunk. Long story short I drove him home and he got into a huge fight with his parents. The police were called and he was arrested. I don't know if he's ok or what is going on. I do know a little too late that I need to move on. There is nothing I can do to help him and nothing he can do to help me. I hate being single again and I regret nothing. But until he can pull his life together I am a single woman again!